Top 10 Lies We Were Taught About “Self-Love”

Over the past ten years, self-love has gone from a quiet psychological issue to a large-scale cultural phenomenon. Social media, health and wellness companies and what is put forth as motivational content present it as a perfect, almost artistic way of living. While many of these put forth what is in good faith, they also create confusion, guilt, and set up unrealistic expectations. Drawn from modern psychology research, mental health blogs, and cultural analysis, this piece goes into the typical fallacies we were told about self-love and what it really looks like in the real world.

1. Self-esteem is always present

Confidence is a marketing tool for self-love. In fact, you may still feel insecure, which is ok in a healthy self-love practice. What is important is that you do not abandon yourself in the face of doubt. Also, it is a fact that even very healthy individuals feel fear and uncertainty.

2. You have to love yourself first

This is a very private feeling. In relationships, we grow into self-worth. You do not have to be “totally healed” to be worthy of love. Care and connection are what give us support, which in turn leads to self-love.

3. Selfishness is what one shows when they practice self-love

Many of us were raised thinking it was wrong to put ourselves first. But in reality, what we are after is healthy self-love, which is balanced, not self-absorption. When you set your limits, what you are doing is taking care of yourself, which in turn prevents resentment and emotional burnout. Healthy boundaries are an act of responsibility, not selfishness.

4. Self-love is just self-care

The web often brings out routine ways we express love to ourselves. Also true is that while self-care is a part of this, it isn’t the same. What we do for true self-love also includes hard tasks like having those tough conversations, leaving that which is bad for us, or going after and letting go of our own patterns.

5. Self-love is about ignoring what others think

This is not the case. We are by nature social, and we seek out connection. Self-love does not do away with the fact that we pay attention to what others think, but it enables you to give what is useful to your development and ignore what doesn’t serve you.

6. Loving yourself is about embracing what you have

Acceptance is not the same as being stuck. You can love yourself and at the same time work to improve your habits, heal from trauma, or change your life direction. Self-love is the base for growth; it does not put roadblocks in your path.

7. Self-care is the answer to mental health issues.

This is an issue of trust. Although self-care practices which foster self-compassion are beneficial for emotional resilience, we do not have it in us to use that as a substitute for professional care, medical attention or support systems. For serious mental health issues, we seek out professionals, not band-aid solutions.

8. Once you have learned self-love, it is permanent

Self-love is a practice, not a switch you flip. Some days you’ve got it easy, other days not so much. We aren’t going for perfect positive thoughts all the time, but rather to return to a place of self-kindness again and again.

9. You have to earn self-love

Many people think that they have to achieve first before they are worthy of love. This creates a conditional value. In fact, what we put forward as self-love is a choice we make to love ourselves, out of which we may feel we don’t deserve.

10. Self-love is a personal thing

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all model. For some, self-love is a solitary practice; for others, it is through connection. For some, it is ambition which they pursue, for others, it is rest which they seek. Comparison is what will do the most to tear you away from true self-love.

What Self-Love Really Is?

True self-love is quiet and in the details, not grand or for the world to see. It’s in the way you talk to yourself in private. It is that you accept yourself as a work in progress, full of flaws and growth, yet still valuable. When we strip away the trends and slogans, what we are left with is less about being perfect and more about extending yourself basic respect, even on tough days.